Excerpt from Love Letter to Cathie

I have read that you live on in my heart. I’m unsure what that means. People say you will always be with me. Ditto on meaning. Certainly, the memories will exist, but I don’t know if the statements have a deeper meaning. The chambers of the heart are complex. When the sadness overwhelms me, I let it come. While I don’t welcome it, I can’t get out of its way. I know its visit is temporary and that I will only dwell on it briefly. If I try to ignore it, it pulls up a chair, sets itself down, and looks me in the eye until it has my full attention. So rather than trying to subdue or fight the feelings, or control them, I just let them wash over me and pass on their own. But what is obvious is that even after two months, I’m still in shock. Life is not good. My mind doesn’t work the way it used to. I find I understand less than normal. Moreover, I don’t try to figure it out. Detached. I don’t really care. I’m not as interactive, not really involved in conversations; polite listening is the best I can do. Much of what I hear goes right over my head. I recognize that life as I knew it has collapsed. I wonder why I’m not angrier. But I’m not sure what good it would do. I’m certainly not angry with you.

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